It’s going to be Ok Kat.
It’s going to be fine.
It will all be OKAY….
Today was definitely a “trying” day.
I went back to work, which was also a realization that while things will change, this is still my current situation. There were many points throughout the day where I really took a moment to look around the room, at the faces of my co-workers and even those in leadership (Principal, etc). Not one, not one of those faces had a smile on it. Not one person came into work excited to be back, to be there. We were all there because we had to be there. It wasn’t a personal choice- well you CHOSE to go so you could afford to buy that plane ticket to Cali (that’s why you went Kat). Either here we all were, 8 in the morning, angry, tired, sad and over the bullshit—–with a good 6-7 hours to go. We were all sitting in the cafeteria groaning and moaning about how much we hated this shit….and to be honest, it really fucked me up.
In that moment I felt stuck. I felt my world closing in. All the Sunshine I created and maintained over the break gone.
I wasn’t hopeful.
Then. I got the text message:
“Hey sorry for texting u while I was a lil drinky drink (think dummy meant drunk). New Year and I promise not to play u or be a bad friend or person in ya life. Hope you succeed with everything u chase after and deserve it all”
And not going to lie guys, I had no fucking idea how to respond or feel.
So I responded:
“Thank You DICK*. I appreciate that. Look I wish you the same and hopefully over time we’ll figure shit out and be in a good place, regardless of what that place is.”
Part of me felt hurt by his half-ass effort of trying to reconcile or fix what he fucked up.
Part of me felt angry because this is how it goes, half-ass apologies. Do you really understand what you did?….I can’t forget.
Part of me didn’t even care. It was weird. I rolled my eyes, place the phone down, took 15 mins ( that’s a lot…especially when it comes to him) and replied.
All of me felt disturbed.
Something about that text put me in a deeper funk, a deeper funk than work had already put me in. It brought back all the negative feelings that I felt before, it brought on this whole draining and heavy feeling of sadness. And in that moment, I hated him. And, honestly since receiving his text message at 2: 23 pm this afternoon, I’ve been fighting back tears. It was the realization that I am not over him.
“Yes. I hope we do too”.
But I will be.
SO. First day back into reality, away from the safety net and comforts of my journal and my solitude, was hard. It was super hard. Super fucking hard and draining. But, I MADE it. And that is what really important. I’ve made it through the day, which means I will make it through tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that and every other day after today in my life.
So I decided to do some journal-ing while on the train…here is what she wrote:
“It’s okay! Take a min! You’re just overwhelmed right now. You’re NOT your anxiety. You are not your fears. You are not your sadness. You are Kat. You are strong. You are going through a process, a growing one at that. You have to be Patient + Kind with yourself too. A lot happened today that you thought you would be better prepared for. You weren’t. It’s ok. Your living situation is temporary. You will move out into you own beautiful small- affordable apartment. You will not have to hear “Fat man” (downstairs neighbor) forever. this FUCKING JOB IS TEMPORARY. & FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. This job is not your end all be all. It’s NOT. This job is a temporary stop/stall in your life. Shit will get better. You will figure shit out with DICK*, where he doesn’t impact you as much (as he does). Right now you want to cry! But Kat we’re stronger than that. This is temporary!!! You’ll be fine babygirl. I PROMISE. “
Then I proceeded to create a “What we are Happy and Grateful for” list:
- Our Family and their Awesomeness
- Our Health + it’s improvement everyday.
- Another Day……..DUH
- A Job + Income
- Pretty decent individuals to work with
- I KNOW I’m meant for better and will have the BEST!
- Our looks =) and Our Booooooombbbb asss personality.
- YOU ARE OKAY.
Today was definitely a trying day, and also draining. But, I MADE IT! I’ll have more days like this, where I get lost in the “whys” of life, but I’ll also have to always remember that life is beautiful, I am beautiful, and that no matter what..no matter what, there will be Sunshine after the Rainstorm.
Its is going to be Ok.
I am Fine.
It will ALL be OKAY.
*(names changed to protect individuals mentioned)