You don’t get to choose your family, God chooses them for you.
Disclaimer::: I love my family.
The more and more I go through this process of change, the more things I start to see and realize about my family, and honestly it’ just driving me crazy.
How did these Adults raise me, without me ending up on the news for some form of child endangerment.
A part of me feels guilty because its like..ughhh I love you guys, but I can’t be around you guys. I can’t.
It’s becoming clearer and clearer each day that I need to have distance between my family and I.
Not just living in separate homes, I mean like, separate cities, states, countries even.
There are just too many negative traits in my family that I can’t accept anymore, especially at this stage and phase of my life.
I am not a negative person,
I am not an anxiety prone person,
I am not scared of change,
I am not lazy,
I am not a worrier….
But my family is, and they were making me into that person,
And I think God for not letting me continue down that path.
I don’t blame them for being that way. I understand them, and I understand WHY they are like that. I don’t accept it, but I understand.
It’s generational trauma,
Its a vicious cycle,
It’s individuals who live in fear, and have never felt good enough.
It’s who they have told and programmed themselves to believe they are.
I love them….if don’t say..I’ll feel guilty for saying everything else.
My family is stuck, and I tired of trying to “unstuck” them, especially when I am the only person trying.
I’m tired of being the bad guy because I’m trying to help them out.
I’m at the point where I just want to say “fuck it, do whatever you want”, but the problem with that is…….their problems become my problem, and that’s becoming tiring.
Like you guys choose to fuck up, because you refuse to ask, take, and accept help because you all are so prideful, stubborn, and negative. You stay STUCK.
I have been called a Bitch
All in the name of helping YOU guys out.
And a part of me feels like a shitty being for even saying that, but I don’t know what else to say.
My family is my polar opposite. Their every bad habit I’m trying to get rid of within my self.
And its hard, because I love them, I do.
But they’re not good for me.
Not good for my spirit.
And I don’t know what to do.
I was raised to never question the Adults in my family.
And, now that I am an Adult, all I have are questions…
And I need answers.
Guyssssss, why are you like that?
Why do you not want more?..or
Why do you not believe you deserve more?
Why do you have to push all of YOUR fears onto other people?
Why do you not believe in yourselves?
Why don’t you think you’re enough?
Why can’t you all answer these questions?
Stop fighting me guys, please.
Let me help you….
and if you really don’t want it fine….
But don’t stop me from helping myself,
Don’t interfere and distract me.
Stop trying to bring me back to that space.
I am in a new space now.
Just join me.